Philadelphia Phillies: If Eight Years Seems Like a Long Time...

The world is awash with news so I thought I'd take this opportunity to give it a fresh perspective. Or to just get fresh. 

Besides, waiting for Opening Day is as excruciating as watching my sister-in-law parallel park. We'd help her, but it's far more fun standing around yelling, "FORE!"

The big news is, four Phils have graced the recent cover of Sports Illustrated: 

Phil Hoskins
Phil Harper
Phil Nola
Phil Realmuto

If this is the first time in eight years that the organization earned covergirl status, I have some advice:

Try getting married. The span between notable events will seem far longer.

Or it actually will be.

Back in 2011, the Phillies were also all the SI buzz. That's when the Fab Five: Roy Halladay (RIP), Cliff Lee, Cole Hamels and Roy Oswalt were perched atop the stout thighs of Joe Blanton. 

That was the year Ruben Amaro, Jr. took the over/under on the Moneyball theory and lost.

That was the same year Mike Trout and Bryce Harper were #1 and #2 prospects, res…

Philadelphia Phillies - Harp Struck a Chord

Weeks ago, when there was a rumor connecting Bryce Harper to the Phillies, I had one thought: I wish there was a rumor connecting me to Bryce Harper. One that didn't end in a lengthy court case. 

Since then, the 330 Million Dollar Man caught heat from the Angels for publicly "recruiting" Mike Trout. 

The whining was heard 'round the world.

The Angels threw out a strong term for what he did: "tampering."

I've been accused of that. If that's what you call it. And to take the heat off my new top pinup, in this post, I hope to make it vividly clear, this might not end well.

To make sure I effectively shield Harp from scorn, I've even drawn from past posts. This will emphasize a few points: You should take a spin through my archives and, just like Lady Gaga, I was born this way.

As Richard Branson says, "Be a disruptor." In a 1000 words or less, that's something he'll soon regret. 
Caution: Speed hump ahead.

Here goes:

As you all know, A-…

Philadelphia Phillies: Where's That Bryce Harper Emoji?

Now that Bryce Harper swiped right on the Phillies, the acquisition has created more buzz than the electric line that came down in another freaking area snowstorm. 
By this time in Philadelphia, two things are evident: Punxsutawney Phil is full of crap and we need a distraction. That's where I come in. Since Harper has monopolized the headlines for weeks, it's time to make this all about me. 
This whole ordeal had the makings of a Harlequin romance—tease you for 200 pages but never get you off. Until John Middleton tapped into his inner E.L. James. 
I haven’t felt this level of enthusiasm since Hunter Pence crossed the Schuylkill with chicken legs. His signing excited me so, it was the beginning of the end of my contribution to Bleacher Report.
Hey, I did what I did because love came to town. Now I’m hoping Harp’s contract will be the start of something beautiful. I need new fodder and Broad Street is horny for another parade.

My husband says that’s hopeful for another parade…

The 2019 Non-Annual, Bi-Frequently, Semi-Periodic Philadelphia Phillies Bucket List

At the tender age of two, my son pushed a Hot Wheels car into the VCR slot. And it fit. Little did I know, this is the same type of infantile curiosity that would birth an app called Tinder.

On that note, I saw a report about the spread of super gonorrhea. This was enlightening to me because I figured out that all this time I've been spelling my password wrong.

Judging from the slow spread of disease, things are not going well. In the four years since my last post, the Phillies have failed to break 500 and following suit, things have gone from bad to worse:

Kim Kardashian's behind got even bigger. Her derrière will go down in history as the Crown Jewel of Butts. And our country has the dubious honor of putting her there. Well done 'Merica.

The Voice started season 16 after only 8 years on TV. Instead of measuring accelerated time in dog years, we'll start calling them Voice years. Oddly, Blake Shelton has been so pickled through it all, he hasn't aged a bit.

I figur…

The Phillies' Early Season Skid: Do We Need to Grease That With Something?

The bad news is the Phillies dropped the first game of Spring Training. The worse news is, it was to the University of Tampa. I can honestly say I think the Phils were hoping that would go differently.

Look on the bright side. Tampa is the No. 1 ranked team in the NCAA Division II. They easily edged out Taco Bell and Kentucky Fried Chicken for the spot.

Maybe we can get a game against the Harlem Globetrotters? Or how about these guys:

Donkey Baseball

Interim and now possibly permanent club President, Pat Gillick, claims if the existing players stay healthy, a .500 season is attainable. In other words, our goal of mediocrity is well within reach.

Speaking of Pat Gillick? Way to bring in new blood. What’s the problem? Wasn’t Kevin Bacon available?

I’ll be glad when the team is back in Philly. It’s embarrassing to lose to amateurs. Besides, I always get spring training confused with spring break. The former is when everyone who thinks they can score shows up and peacocks around the playin…

The 2015 Non-Annual, Bi-Frequently, Semi-Periodic Philadelphia Phillies Bucket List

Sadly, by Cindy Falteich

It’s time once again to face my certain mortality by compiling a grocery list of things no one would ever buy. It's much like the stuff you look forward to but are happy when it’s over—like the holidays. Or sex with your husband. Or mine. Or Super Bowl XLIX.
What the hell number is that anyway? Is that a niner in there? Guys, let’s stop pretending we’re Egyptian.
Or Greek. Or Thai. Or smart. In any case, the average football fan has no idea what you’re talking about. For Pete’s sake, I thought XLIX was the name of a drug. Or E.L. James had coined another term for erotic.
Or it was a test. If we’ve learned anything from politics, it should be that we hate thinking.
Anyway, as I sit here pondering my pre-death desires, I hopped on Facebook.
Isn’t that what everyone does when faced with an important decision? I get the best ideas from intimate stuff that’s been shared publicly. Like an STD.
My son tells me I should watch Vine videos. He says in six second in…

When Porn Flies

by Cindy Falteich

According to the official Phillies calendar, the season ended on October 3rd. Normally that’s just a guideline for when the season could end if you’re not a Phillies fan. But this year? Well, let’s just say I know how those Mayans feel.

Contrary to popular belief, the world didn't end on October 3rd. Actually it’s supposed to end on my birthday this year. How ironic that the one good reason to celebrate me for eternity is the world coming to an end.

It also means that the last Phillies game against the Nationals might have been the last Phillies game ever!

Maybe this is my last Phillies blog ever! If that’s the case, there’s reason enough for many to celebrate. Especially those crabby guys on Bleacher Report. It also means I have a lot of players to cover.


Where to start?

I know where it ended. When the Phils lost any chance of a playoff birth by sucking in Houston. I tried my best to sit back and enjoy the last nine innings of the year because—look on the br…